| Listening To: "Ready, Aim, Misfire" by New Years Day
so it was an interesting night last night.. i haven't cried so much in a really long time.. it was the first time in a really long time that i didn't sleep because i was crying so much.. anyway i was talking to dylan and he was upset and then i got upset because of something completely different and he asked what was wrong with me, and i told him and it all went downhill from there.. rather than me explaining everything, here. here's the conversation.
it's a lot of reading, but get over it. if you care, you'll read it
Dylan: jilly...this is gonna make me cry i hope you know....alright, fine, i'll tell you.....well, from what it sounds like, i'd say all he wants is the physical part of the relationship...i know that type, they'll say and do anything in order to make you fall in love with them, just so they'll be able to get in bed with you...then, when they're done with you, they'll just ignore you completely....also, if you want my opinion....i'd just not talk to him at all any more, 'cause with that type, they force you to fall in love with them again and again until you end up sleeping with them...and then you'll end up being so depressed when he just stops talking to you....jilly...in short...i'd say you're being used...there, are you fucking happy? i'm crying now
Jill: i'm sorry you're crying, you shouldn't be, you have nothing to be crying for, and no i'm not fucking happy, i can't remember the last time i was fucking happy... i'd give anything to just be able to say i hate him and to never speak to him again but it's not that easy... i fell into his trap over a year ago and i can't get out, i've been trying since i fell in and it's no use, i'm gunna be stuck this way forever no matter how much he uses me and takes advantage of me, i can't help it, i can't just change what my heart says... i'm very aware that i'm being used but i can't fucking help it, that's my downfall, i'm hopeless, i'm pathetic and all i'm here for is for him to use me, that's it. he's taken over me, i have no more control anymore... i don't know what to do... i'm being ruined because of him...:'(
Dylan: o my god, jill, i'm so, so, so, so, so sorry...i'm not mad at you, i didn't mean to say that....i know you're not happy with it, u shouldn't even talk to me, i'm so sorry....i haven't cried like this...i don't even know how long, has to have been a couple years....god, i'm stupid, just ignore me, i'll go throw myself off a roof or something...i know how you feel, jill...i know you want to keep "loving" him...but you can't jill...you can't...i'm crying because i can't fucking stand to see you getting hurt, and you are, you're gonna end up losing your virginity to him, and he'll run around bragging about it, i don't think he loves you jill....but i do, and if what i say means anything, then at least consider not talking to him anymore....i don't wanna see you get hurt jilly, i love you so much that i can't stand it, if i had the oppurtunity to move to NY, i'd be with u in a heartbeat jill, a heartbeat....i'm so sorry
Jill: you throwing yourself off a roof won't make me feel any better at all. and believe me, i've tried so many times to stop talking to him, i swear i have.. countless times.. it just doesn't work... and... i don't even know.. but i can't stop loving him, and believe me, i want to more than anything.. but i can't do it.. it's physically impossible for me..
Dylan: :'(:'(:'(jilly....i know....forget it....i give up....i...i don't even know what to do about anything anymore....
Jill: this is exactly why i didnt want to talk about it. i knew this would happen
Dylan: no
Dylan: i'm glad u did
Dylan: first off, u have my opinion, and secondly, now i know some things i didn't
Jill: well good. i'm glad you're glad we talked about it but i'm not. i hate admitting to my downfalls and this is like the biggest one ever and i hate talking about it
Dylan: jill...i hope he's not using you....but i think he is...and like i said, i don't know him, but that's my opinion....dunno what my opinions worth, but if you love him...and while i'm on that, i think you should consider that you may not even love him....i think that there a number of other possibilities that u keep going back to him...1. u actually like that you're being used, even if you won't admit it to anyone, including yourself...2. you really want the physical stuff to happen....3. you just crave someone that you can think that you're in love with, since you have such low self esteem...i don't know if that one could be it though....unless i'm just not good enough for that...but yeah, anyway
Dylan: that's my opinion....
Dylan: for what it's worth
Dylan: my heart is on fire right now jill....i'm in so much pain, physically, emotionally, mentally....i don't know how i'm gonna survive work in 10 hours....
Dylan: god, do drugs and alcohol really help this kind of pain? 'cause i need something
Jill: yeah ok.. i fucking HATE knowing that i'm most likely being used by him.. i don't give a shit about anything physica happening between us.. its nice but thats the last last last LAST thing on my mind when it comes to being with him, or anyone its the connection that we have... i never had such a strong bond with any guy like i do with him.. and i know im in love with him.... theres no question about that... and drugs and alcohol dont help. its a mental thing.. dont resort to that.. thats what happened with me and its bad..
Dylan: i'm sorry, i can't take this...i'll be back in a bit...i need some soda...to go cry....i'll be back in a little
Dylan: don't go anywhere
Dylan: please
Jill: im leaving at 3
Dylan: ....i might not be back by then...
Jill: well if you're not ill talk to you tomorrow
Dylan is away at 2:33:43 AM.
Dylan returned at 2:33:49 AM.
Dylan: :'( fine
Dylan is away at 2:34:21 AM.
Dylan: jill, i didn't feel like saying this when i knew you were gonna respond right away, so here it is....i don't know if i can deal with knowing that you love him more than me...i know that's fucking selfish, and childish, and i don't care. i fucking love you jill, and if my opinion is right, he definately doesn't....i would never use you, yet you love him more than me....my keyboard is fucking drenched with my tears that i've cried because you're not happy, yet you love him more than me....and for all i talk about it with you, i don't give a fucking shit about having sex with you, and all he seems to want is to get in your fucking pants....and yet you love him, and not me.....i can't fucking stand it, it makes me furious and depressed at borderline suicidal at the same time...all i want is to make it all better for you, and i can't because even if i were to break up with shonna right now, and move to merrick, and come kiss you and look you in the eyes and tell you that i loved you, you'd still care about him more than me...and i don't think i'll ever understand it....i don't know if i can even talk to you anymore, 'cause i know that from now on when i do, i'll want to cry....but i can't not talk to you, because that's even more childish...and as much as you say otherwise, i think you're over me...i think, that even if you're not over me, it wouldn't take much for you to get over me....the other day when you said that you still loved me, you were all emotional, and you haven't mentioned anything like it since then....god, here come the tears again...jill, i love you, you're the only girl i've ever shed tears over, and i'm sorry that it's not enough for you....
i don't even know what to say to him anymore, because he's right. they always say the truth hurts, and it does. it's killing me. i can't help the fact that no matter what he does for me i'll still love max more... i can't do anything about it, i've tried to get over max, it's phyisically impossible, i've fallen too hard and i can't get back up, no matter how hard i try. it's even worse now tho because randi feels the same way as dylan does.. it's so hard knowing that all my friends don't like max in the least, but i love him more than anything... it's horrible of me to feel this way, even though i know dylan's a million times better than max is.. i can't help it.. i've fallen into his trap and i can't get out. i've been here for over a year and there's no sign of me ever getting out... no matter how much i'm being used... i hate knowing i'm being used by him because i do actually love him, but all he's doing is fucking around with my emotions and telling me the things i want to hear from him... he knows i mean everything i tell him, and he doesn't mean shit. he's just telling me what i need to hear and it hurts, because i know he doesn't mean it..  "i wouldn't want to do this unless i was in love" that's what he told me... i want to believe him so bad, but i don't know how i can... i've been lying to myself because i know he doesn't mean it, but i want him to... i want him to mean it so badly... but he doesn't, and he never will... if he did mean it, he wouldn't be telling every other girl he meets that he's in love with them.. and that he can't wait to spend his life with them.  it just pisses me off so much because i'm here, loving him with everything that i am and he just doesn't care... i'm beginning to wish that i never met him... i want to turn back time and make it so that i never spoke to him. who knows, i might actually be happy right now if i haven't met him.. i can't even remember what my life was like before he came into it... that's incredibly sad.. and pathetic... i am so hopeless... i'm going to be a miserable wreck for the rest of my life and there's nothing i can do about it!!! i want to hate him, i do. i can't stand myself because of him... he's ruining me and i can't stop it.. i'm slowly dying, whithering away because of him... i need someone to save me.. i need someone to stop this... but still, at the same time i'm afraid to stop loving him... if i do then when we can be together again, i might not want to.. then i would have wasted all this time... i guess i need to make a huge decision... i need to decide if i want to get over him once and for all, or just wait it out and see what happens... i'm just so afraid of hurting people, as well as my self if i wait it out... this is so hard... i have no idea what to do... i'm so lost... i really need a savior.. someone to save me from this.. i can't do this by myself..
i'm out.. time to think really hard..
xojill
your love is my heart disease... <\3 |
